If we sign Landon Donovan I quit

Here we go y’all. I get it. We’re getting a bit impatient at the lack of Union rumors coming through the pipeline. While I think that’s partly due to the International window being closed for another couple of days and the Union clamping down on any kind of fun leak, we are at the point where this counts as a story. Some people want Landon Donovan to play for the Union. Contextual tweet below if you haven’t seen it:

EASTERN CONFERENCE. That’s ten teams everyone. Ten. Nine other teams could’ve offered this 34 year old dude a contract. Before coming out of retirement the best American player of all time has recently been seen throwing shade on USMNT broadcasts, being in dumb State Farm commercials and having his name on the MVP trophy for the league he currently plays in. Maybe you’re thinking “Oh, Evan, age isn’t a big deal in MLS, look at Conor Casey or David Villa.” No. Casey was a poacher who legitimately was the best player to ever wear a Colorado Rapids jersey. He sucked for the last two years of his career. David Villa won literally every accolade in the planet for soccer, of course he’s still good. Do we really want to throw a DP contract at a guy who came back just to screw over Jeff Cunningham for most goals in MLS? No. No we don’t.

There’s so many other options in the great wide world besides this guy! Remember when we were plausibly linked to Aron Johannsson? What about a guy from a decent European league who is playing for a team in a relegation spot like Vincent Nogueira before we grabbed him? Fabian Herbers wasn’t too bad! Corey Burke is scoring a bunch for Jamaica, what if we just moved him up?

If we sign LD I will be holding applications for my new MLS club. Find me on twitter or let me know who I should follow in the comments.